


Savin' Me

by JJ1564



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Brotherly Love, Gen, POV Dean Winchester, POV Sam Winchester, Sad Dean, Sad Sam, Season/Series 11, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-17
Updated: 2016-02-17
Packaged: 2018-05-21 07:43:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6043699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JJ1564/pseuds/JJ1564
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set directly after 11.11 “Into The Mystic”, giving both Dean and Sam’s differing point of views about their past and more recent events, and how much they need each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Savin' Me

**Author's Note:**

> This is my third fic for fandomhits on Livejournal , based on Savin’ Me by Nickelback.
> 
> Thanks to my lovely beta, dizzojay, for her help and to fandomhits for such an inspiring challenge.
> 
> Disclaimer: The characters do not belong to me, but they own my heart! Also spoilers for 11.11 "Into The Mystic".

"Savin’ Sam"

I should’ve listened to you, Dean; I was so stupid to think that God was sending me visions.

I knew the moment I stepped into hell that I had been monumentally stupid. I thought I was doing the right thing. That’s kinda typical of me, isn’t it? The story of my life - the road to hell is paved with good intentions and all that shit.

When Lucifer trapped me all I could think of was you. I knew you’d save me, that for some reason you still think I’m worth saving.

I’ve looked up to you all my life; you’ve always been my hero, you will always be my hero. Yes, you’re stubborn, childish, uncouth and annoying, but you’re also loyal, brave and strong.

I’ve let you down so many times, Dean. When I left for Stanford I knew you were proud of me, that you were happy for me, but I also knew I was ripping your heart out and stomping all over it. And I should’ve phoned you every day, seen you as much as possible, but it was easier to just shut you out of my new life. I never stopped loving you, never stopped needing you.

And when I finally got you back, I couldn’t stand to lose you again, so I found that ‘faith-healer’ to save you, although you knew it was wrong and you hated the fact that someone had died in your place. I told you I was sorry, that I didn’t know, and that was the true, I had no idea a reaper was behind the ‘healing’. But the truth is that I’d have done it anyway, I’d have willingly sacrificed some nameless stranger for you.

Then you went and sacrificed yourself for me, to bring me back from the dead…when it was my fault I’d been killed. I should have killed Jake when I had the chance, like you would have, but I was careless and turned my back on him. I remember the pain and I remember being in your arms and thinking if this is the end at least I’m with Dean.

And you died for me, Dean, you got torn to shreds in front of me by hellhounds and that was the worst moment of my life – worse than Jessica, worse than dad, worse than all your deaths that bastard Gabriel made me live through, worse than my own death. Because I knew you were going to hell, and that the agony you endured as they tore into was just the beginning.

And how did I repay you? I hooked up with a demon; I used my powers although I’d promised you I wouldn’t, I started drinking Ruby’s blood and I told myself all along that it was all good. I was saving people, how could it be wrong? You tried so hard to make me see that what I was doing was wrong, you tried to turn me back on the right path.

When I realized that killing Lilith had been the final seal and that Lucifer was rising because of me, I wanted to die. I had been manipulated and used; I had released Lucifer; I had started the fucking apocalypse and yet there you were, right beside me - loving me, saving me. I didn’t deserve it.

I tried to make amends by slamming Lucifer back in the cage; I’d started the damned apocalypse after all, so I had to finish it; and it worked, I’d finally done something right, something you could be proud of me for. Then I came back soulless and while I don’t really know what my soulless self did, I found out a few little nuggets from Cas and Bobby. So I know I stood by and watched while you were turned by that vampire, and that I put Lisa and Ben’s lives at risk too. I know I helped Grandpa Campbell collect alphas for Crowley, and I know I was a complete and utter unfeeling bastard.

You saved me from that, you did your best to protect me from my memories of hell by having Death erect the wall; you always did your best for me, Dean.

Then when you disappeared along with Dick Roman, I had no idea where you had gone. I thought you’d died and hoped you’d gone to heaven. I couldn’t bring myself to think of you being in hell again. I had no idea you were in Purgatory, along with Cas, facing a host of monsters and leviathans. I didn’t know where you were, I didn’t know how to look for you. You were gone, Bobby was gone, Cas was gone. I was alone, I was lost and I was afraid, but I should’ve looked for you. I should have dug up every old spell book, used every scrap of information, I should have done something.

But instead I hit a dog and fell for the veterinarian. I think I was in delayed shock – I had seen you hurt before, I’d seen you die so many times, but I was completely unprepared for seeing you literally vanish. Now when I look back at that time I feel like I was pretending to be someone else - Mr Average - dog-lover, handyman, boyfriend, organic-produce buyer. I can’t believe that I was going to the movies, going on picnics, while you were fighting to stay alive.

I can never forgive myself for leaving you in Purgatory, Dean, but to hear you say you already have means so much to me. Perhaps there was nothing I could’ve done but I should’ve tried.

Should have …sometimes these two simple words are the most painful.

You killed Death instead of me, that was so incredibly stupid, reckless and heroic - and so typically you. You did what you always do and put me above everything. I wish I was worth it.

Thank you, Dean for saving me, time and time again.

It’s what we do, we have each other’s backs, and we’re there for each other. And I know right now that something’s wrong with you. I don’t know if it’s the effect of The Mark, or killing Death, but I can see you struggling.

I’m here, and I’m ready save you.

"Savin’ Dean"

I could fucking punch you, Sammy! What the hell were you were thinking, going back there? What would I have done if anything had happened to you? Okay, I know bad shit did happen to you, that Luci trapped you and gave you a beating. But what if I hadn’t been able to save you?

I can’t do this without you, don’t you ever leave me again. You know I can’t live without you; I can’t face a world without you in it. 

Dammit Sammy, I put saving you above everything, partly ‘cause I couldn’t kill you, but mainly ‘cause I couldn’t face an eternity alone, without you. And I dunno what the hell killing Death means, if that chick Billie is the big cheese now, or if I’ve got some serious shit ahead of me for that one. But I’d do it again in a heartbeat. I’d kill Death, I’d kill Lucifer, I’d kill God if it meant saving you.

You’re the best part of me, you give me strength, you keep me human, you still see good in your fucked up brother and in this fucked up world. You’re the one that reminds me who I am.

I’m your big brother, the guy who carried you – tiny, squirming and howling - out of the flames that consumed our mom. The guy that played go-between for you and dad - and that loved you both, although you were the most stubborn bastards ever. The guy that hauled you out of Stanford and got your girlfriend killed. The guy that took you on the road ‘cause he hated being alone. 

Yeah, I’m the guy that kept you hunting, although you never wanted this life.

I’m the guy that kept saving your ass - even when you didn’t want me to; even when you kinda hated me for doing it. And I’ll always save you.

But you’ve saved me so many times too, Sammy. You never give up on me – you never gave up on saving my demonic ass and never gave up on saving me from The Mark. I know you think you’ve let me down, and God knows I’ve let you down, too. We’re not perfect - we’ve both made huge mistakes, both been selfish, both gone ahead with reckless plans. We’ve both done shit we’re ashamed of, done bad stuff that we’ve more than paid for.

We gotta put it all behind us, all the things we’ve done to each other. All the ways we’ve screwed up, all the times we’ve let each other down. And I have to believe that we can, because we need to focus on now, and because, well, because I think I need you to save me again, Sammy.

I gotta tell you about Amara – I know she’s yet another fucking secret I’ve kept from you and it’s tearing me up. I couldn’t tell you…I didn’t want to admit it. Damn, Sammy, I don’t know what it is – attraction, connection, some fucking curse or spell – but I can’t stop thinking about her. It’s like…love and it scares the shit outta me. When I’m with her I can’t think straight, I can’t think of anything but her. Not even you, and holy crap, that scares me more than anything else.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is that I need you, Sammy; I need you to save me again, I need you to show me wrong from right. You’re the only one who can; you’re the one who still believes I’m worth saving.


End file.
